I'm taking vacation for the rest of the week and I made the possibly poor decision to let Tess house sit. I have created a 14 page instruction manual for her during my time away. The following appears on page 12 and I'm posting it here for her to see, because I'm fairly certain she's allergic to reading things over 5 pages long.
Section 4 - Cat Care
- A) Mischa (responds to "Meesh Meesh" and "Daddy's Favorite Kitteh")
- Feed her the kibble in the brown bag and the wet food in cans by the fridge.
- She's going to want to sleep on your chest, neck, or head. Let her.
- She's going to want to want lick the water off your legs when you're done showering. Let her. This is called "Mischa Shower Kitty Time". This is her one of her favorite things, second only to ...
- "Mischa Potty Kitty Time". She'll want to be pet while you poo. Pet her (BEFORE you wipe).
- Speaking of petting, I've enclosed a helpful diagram showing exactly where she needs pets. (see below)
- Clear her litter box daily, otherwise she might get matted turds in her fluffy tail.
- When/if you're Tail Turd Harvesting, she'll want to look you directly in the eyes. Let her. She enjoys the degradation of humans.
B) Skylar (I don't know what else he responds to because I don't talk to him. He's an Asshole)
- Feed him a healthy diet of ridicule (and kibble I guess, but AFTER Meesh Meesh eats). Don't you dare give him wet food. He's fat enough already.
- If Kitty Diabetes finally catches up to the bloated cretin while I'm gone, you'll find a shallow grave pre-dug for him in the backyard. Bury him and I'll figure out a lie to tell the Ladyfriend when I get home.